by: Jennifer Poure

When I moved to Aisoluv County all I wanted was one good friend just like the ones I had back home.  A friend that I could go shopping with, have a girls’ night with, and maybe we could get our husbands together and have a couples night.

I had certain requirements in that friend to be.  She could not have more than two children (more on that on future blogs).  She could not be married to her job.  She had to be willing to be trained to my ways (I would attempt to do the same).  She could not be ugly.  I am a former teacher I could deal with stupid.  I could teach a fool a thing or two but plastic surgery is not cheap and ugly is expensive.

I met that friend in Bettina (not her real name but don’t want to be sued for the remaining pennies that I have).  Bettina and I hit it off.  Our husbands hit it off.  This was great! I was as happy as pig rolling in shit.  I finally could stop going to the library and borrowing Sex and The City, the movie.  The reason I rented SATC every week was because I love the camaraderie of the women.  I longed for that friendship because I had that at one point but a move and the resulting 1000 miles between my friends and me made it hard to meet on Saturday morning for a cup of coffee.

Cut to two months later and Bettina totally kicked me out of her life.  No explanation, no warning, nothing.  I wonder, what happened?  What did I do?  I don’t think I did anything.  Have you seen me?  I called, wrote emails, even went to her house to see if anything has happened to her.  I left her this final message and told myself if she doesn’t respond, then we are done.  I am not doing the chasing.

Here is a little bit of the message:

“Hi Bettina, this is me.  I now get that we are not friends anymore and I am fine with that.  But what I really want is for you to give me back my Calphalon baking loaf pan.  That pan cost me $17 and I did not get it at Macy’s one day sale.  You know my number and my address, I’ll be waiting.”

Two days later I found my pan in a bag on the front entry way of my house.  I picked it up, inspected it, cleaned it, and dashed to the library to go pick up my copy of SATC.

Deborah Dephicit responds:

Jennifer,

I, too, have been through what I like to call a “Best Friend Breakup.” It is no more fun than a boyfriend breakup. Nothing hurts more than to realize someone whom you thought really “got” you not only didn’t want you but they took you back to the store and didn’t even wait in line to return you, just left you at the curb in a brown paper bag with no note. Like you’re a Calphalon baking dish. (Which, by the way, you should never put in the dishwasher. No matter how vile the hands it has been in.)

The worst part is that you will never know what you did to lose her friendship. Accepting that you may have done nothing but commit the horrible crime of just being “you” and you turned out to be someone she couldn’t stand.

But don’t be selfish. Try to remember the world doesn’t revolve around Jennifer! Her dropping you may have had nothing to do with you. She might have had something going on in her life that prevented her from maintaining the friendship. Like the pole that she had up her behind broke off and she had to go into the hospital to have it removed. Or maybe she loved herself so much she accidentally bit off her own tongue, could no longer speak and was forced to associate only with people who are fluent in sign language.

But what probably happened is that neither you nor she did anything. It most likely was something her own husband did, like commenting that you were better-looking than she is! That, to the insecure and ugly inside, is the kiss of death of any friendship.

Whatever the reason just remember you are, just as with a broken-up boyfriend, “better off without her because there is someone better waiting around the corner.” Whereas if you had had to go through life without your Calphalon pan then that truly would have been tragic because there’s nothing better than Calphalon!

(Attention Calphalon, please contact us at: adultonsetpoverty@gmail.com for information as to where to send free samples.)

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