Welcome to the World of Dephicit and Poure

Category Archives: Jobs

by: Jennifer Poure

When you go on many interviews (not that this is my case), the questions become repetitive.  You find yourself giving the same answers but tailor them to fit that company’s need.  If only you can be free and answer the questions as if you were on your ‘tenth date’ rather than your ‘first date’.  Just imagine how freeing it would be…

Thank you for coming out to meet me on such short notice. Did you find the directions easy?

Sure. It is not as if my schedule is jam-packed with work.  And your directions said nothing about tolls.

Good.  Let’s begin.  Have you heard of us prior to your application?

Absolutely not.  You came across on an email from CareerBuilder.com stating that I match your qualifications.  And I Googled you on the day that HR called for an interview.

That’s great! Wonderful!  Tell me a little about your current job?

Did you not see my resume?  I have no current job!  My current job is hunting for jobs.  As for my most recent job, due to a reduction in funding (i.e. my position), and maintaining what’s best for the company (the head honcho’s salary) one of us had to go.  Guess who lost?

I understand.  Unfortunately these things happen.  Let’s see, aah, yes, if offered this position, what are your greatest strengths?

I can hold my pee for 5-6 hours.  I am not ticklish.  And I can eat a whole strawberry-banana cake by myself.

Those are definitely great assets.  How about weaknesses?  What would they be?

Target, Thai Iced Tea, Bravo’s Real Housewives Series.  Not exactly in that order.

Nothing wrong with that.  We all have our Achilles’ heel.  As for salary, what are you looking at?

$10,000 more than management.  Give or add a zero because we both know who is going to be doing all of the work.

Exactly! Do you have any questions for me?

Let’s cut to the chase.  How close am I to really getting this job?  Did you already hire somebody? Are you just interviewing for HR requirements?  Is that your real hair?

Really great, honest questions and I hope I gave you a better understanding of what we do here.  Any last questions before we conclude?

Yes.  I am parked in the garage.  Do you validate?

 DEBORAH DEPHICIT RESPONDS:

The suspense is killing me. Did you get the job?

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by: Jennifer Poure

I LOVE MONDAYS! Always have, always will. Many hate Mondays but I look at Monday as the fresh start of the new week. I don’t dread it because I have to go back to work (won’t be a problem in three weeks) or school. I look at it as an opportunity that great things are going to happen for me this week. I welcome Mondays and believe that the start of a good week begins with a positive outlook on this day of the week.

Nothing excites one more than having Monday off when it falls on a holiday! Holiday or not – I LOVE MONDAYS! And the first Monday in September will always be acknowledged as Labor Day.

Labor Day – “When: Always the first Monday in September

Dedicated in honor of the worker, it is also appropriately called the “workingman’s holiday”. The holiday is dedicated to you in respect and appreciation for the work you do in or outside of the home, union or non-union, big company, small companies, or government. As long as you work somewhere at something, this holiday is for you!”

Deborah Dephicit responds:

And, for those who are out of work, take off Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday as well…


Jennifer:

Two years later, hundreds of applications, 3 call backs, 1 phone interview, 1 face-to-face interview – I finally landed a job!

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE everything about the job. I like the company, their mission statement, my bosses, everything! I have an office. A private office (no windows but it’s no cubicle either)!

DH and I are very excited. I told him about my great perks (and The Pointer Sisters are playing). He asked about the salary ( and now the iPod freezes).

“Seriously! Must you take your pay for non-profit so literally and figuratively?”

Whatever. I don’t care. I was employed.

On the 3rd year anniversary of learning that due to county budget cuts my position as a teacher will be eliminated, I received an email from my program director stating that due to federal budget cuts my program will be eliminated come September 30, 2011.

(sigh) I check my phone.

(SMILE) YES!!! I still have unemployment on speed dial.


Poure:
I love my letter carrier. She is actually one of the highlights, if not, my only highlight in Aisulov County. Where is Aisulov County? If “nirvana” is described as, “the perfect state of mind that is free from craving, anger, and other afflicting states,” (thank you dictionary.com) then by all means I do not live in Nirvana. I live in the anti-nirvana.

Anyway, getting back to my letter carrier. Love her dearly but seriously would it hurt to deliver good news once in a while? I mean after we chat and catch up on the neighborhood gossip (which takes all of 3 minutes because my neighbors are far and few in between) she leaves and I then proceed to open and look through my mail. The same usual suspects: insurance bill, electric bill, water bill, credit card bill, you-are-taking-in-too-much-air-when-you-breathe bill. Give me a break! Why can’t it ever be a “we overcharged you on your last bill so here’s a refund” type of statement? No! What I get is (this is a true letter that I got in the mail, paraphrased, of course):

Dear Ms. Poure:

First of all, we would like to say how much we value your business. It is because of you that we are still around.

Unfortunately, upon reviewing your last statement, we noticed that we made a mistake in the amount that is due. Don’t get excited now, the mistake is in our favor. We did not charge the correct amount. We actually undercharged you. Oh, life is funny that way! Anyway this is the difference. Please pay by so and so date so you will not accrue any more outstanding charges.

And once again, thank you for your money business.

Sincerely,
Golden Parachute

Dephicit says:
I love how the bank messes up and suddenly YOU are under the gun to get them the “missing” money in 48 hours. All you did was pay what they tell you. And on time too!!!!!

This reminds me of the time at work when the payroll clerk (oops!) deposited my wages into the wrong person’s account. And then I got reprimanded for acting “stressed” and bumming everyone else out! I’m sorry, was I supposed to be dancing while thinking about the fact that I now have no money to pay my bills? Oops, my bad!

It seems like the people with the money always have the power, even when it’s your money!

P.S. Will the person who received my $556 in their bank account please return it asap. Please have it to me by three days ago or there will be a 35.00 late fee assessed. I realize this is completely not your fault and that you don’t even work for the same company as me, but I am unable to discuss this further. Please call (888) FIND ME1 for a recorded message that will be of no help whatsover.


So, today I get a visit from my lawn care guy. He comes every month to maintain our lawn needs. Things that I cannot take care of myself such as permanently killing weeds and anything else that could destroy my lawn. By the way, I am using a new company because this company is $4 cheaper and supposedly better equipped. All I heard was $4 cheaper and in this economy I now value everything in how much it would cost me in gas. So $4 is almost 2 gallons that I can buy in gas. Yes, I am going with him!

Anyway, nice guy and he tells me that I have some type of killer lawn bugs. I told him that the previous maintenance guy told me the same thing. He told me that the lawn next door has a lot of them and they keep coming over to destroy my lawn. He also said that I should tell my neighbors that they need to fix their lawn and that would help resolve my problem.

No problem, right? Wrong! I told him if he would mind talking to my neighbors and letting them know of this situation. He said I could just state the problem and there is no need to involve him. I said I rather they hear it from a professional and it should take no more than five minutes. He was hesitant but he agreed.

I put on my sandals and we go next door where I introduce him to my very quiet and respectable neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Short Sale. Then we go to the house next door to the Short Sales and I introduce him to Mr. Pre Foreclosure. We then go across the street to meet The Foreclosures. Next door to them lives Mr. Sale By Owner, who by the way is always away on business. We then go over to my quiet as a mice neighbors, who I find in awe how quiet that family is (even though they have 3 young children), The Abandon Home.

I do value my lawn guy’s service so I told him that I would take a couple of flyers and hand them out to my favorite families in the community: The Bank Owned Family and the always hopeful The Sale Pending Family!


Jennifer:
After working in corporate America for two years, I decided I had enough.  I had a husband whom I hardly ever saw and a 2 year-old daughter who called every woman “Mommy” except for me.   I decided I needed to embark on  a career that would make me feel good about making a contribution to the world.  A career that would allow me to enlighten peoples’ minds as well as give me a challenge.   A career that would give me the flexibility and balance of family life and work life.  “I got it!,” I cry.  “I am going to teach!”
 
Inside I wonder, ‘Why didn’t I think of this before?  This career as a teacher will give me all that I ask for and more.  And will be perfect to teach Social Science.  After all, I do have a degree in Political Science and I love history, government, and politics (oh my!)’
 
So I went to a teacher’s job fair and interviewed for a position.  I was so freaking happy at my possible new career I did not really pay much attention to what the interviewer was saying.  Luckily she didn’t notice and she hired me on the spot! I was completely smitten with my new role in life.  At orientation I was so busy chatting with the person next to me that I did not hear what they said about salary, benefits, or any other perks that came with the job.  I was going to be a teacher and enhance and mold the young minds of America.  And get to see my family a whole lot more, too.
 
From day one, I liked everything about it.  I liked the students, the colleagues, and the school.  My excitement was on such a high level that I didn’t even realize when payday rolled around. 
 
YEAH, PAYDAY!  I am so excited! (Cue music, the Pointer Sisters singing, “I am so excited and I just can’t hide it.  I am about to lose control and I think I like it.”) I open my pay stub and WTH?  I look at (more like studied) the pay stub and think that this cannot be right.
 
I get home and DH asks me if today was payday for me.  I hand him the pay stub and he’s “so excited” for me.  He tells me that this is not a bad check.  I think he is kidding, or just trying to be nice.  He says that it is a pretty good check for my first week.  I inform him that the pay stub is for TWO weeks.  (Cue record scratching sound of Pointer Sisters song in husband’s head stopping mid-beat.)  He’s not so excited anymore.
He asks me if they forgot to move the decimal point to the right.  I tell him no.  He suggests that maybe they mistakenly left out a digit.  I reply again no.  I take the pay stub from him and look at it again.  Ooh!  I do discover a mistake!  The pay stub is for 15 days of work PLUS two days of orientation, so it is for even more than my normal paychecks will be.

The next day I go to work and ask my principal if it is too late to negotiate on the contract!

 
Deborah’s reply (SPOILER ALERT):
At least you got to spend more time with your family because two years later they laid you off!