Welcome to the World of Dephicit and Poure

Category Archives: Work

by: Jennifer Poure

When you go on many interviews (not that this is my case), the questions become repetitive.  You find yourself giving the same answers but tailor them to fit that company’s need.  If only you can be free and answer the questions as if you were on your ‘tenth date’ rather than your ‘first date’.  Just imagine how freeing it would be…

Thank you for coming out to meet me on such short notice. Did you find the directions easy?

Sure. It is not as if my schedule is jam-packed with work.  And your directions said nothing about tolls.

Good.  Let’s begin.  Have you heard of us prior to your application?

Absolutely not.  You came across on an email from CareerBuilder.com stating that I match your qualifications.  And I Googled you on the day that HR called for an interview.

That’s great! Wonderful!  Tell me a little about your current job?

Did you not see my resume?  I have no current job!  My current job is hunting for jobs.  As for my most recent job, due to a reduction in funding (i.e. my position), and maintaining what’s best for the company (the head honcho’s salary) one of us had to go.  Guess who lost?

I understand.  Unfortunately these things happen.  Let’s see, aah, yes, if offered this position, what are your greatest strengths?

I can hold my pee for 5-6 hours.  I am not ticklish.  And I can eat a whole strawberry-banana cake by myself.

Those are definitely great assets.  How about weaknesses?  What would they be?

Target, Thai Iced Tea, Bravo’s Real Housewives Series.  Not exactly in that order.

Nothing wrong with that.  We all have our Achilles’ heel.  As for salary, what are you looking at?

$10,000 more than management.  Give or add a zero because we both know who is going to be doing all of the work.

Exactly! Do you have any questions for me?

Let’s cut to the chase.  How close am I to really getting this job?  Did you already hire somebody? Are you just interviewing for HR requirements?  Is that your real hair?

Really great, honest questions and I hope I gave you a better understanding of what we do here.  Any last questions before we conclude?

Yes.  I am parked in the garage.  Do you validate?

 DEBORAH DEPHICIT RESPONDS:

The suspense is killing me. Did you get the job?


Jennifer:

Two years later, hundreds of applications, 3 call backs, 1 phone interview, 1 face-to-face interview – I finally landed a job!

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE everything about the job. I like the company, their mission statement, my bosses, everything! I have an office. A private office (no windows but it’s no cubicle either)!

DH and I are very excited. I told him about my great perks (and The Pointer Sisters are playing). He asked about the salary ( and now the iPod freezes).

“Seriously! Must you take your pay for non-profit so literally and figuratively?”

Whatever. I don’t care. I was employed.

On the 3rd year anniversary of learning that due to county budget cuts my position as a teacher will be eliminated, I received an email from my program director stating that due to federal budget cuts my program will be eliminated come September 30, 2011.

(sigh) I check my phone.

(SMILE) YES!!! I still have unemployment on speed dial.


Poure:
One day while at work(I remember those days), I got really sick. I mean really sick! I was literally lying on the cold, dirty, “I might catch an STD” tiled floor. I thought the pain would soon pass but it kept getting stronger and I thought my appendix would burst.

Anyway, two of my colleagues were getting worried and they called my boss so he could put in his two cents on the situation. Explain me to me how a high school principal with 30 years of experience in education will be able to determine what my prognosis would be. I don’t know, maybe catching all the episodes of General Hospital along with Dr. Oz on Oprah, he may have picked up a few things.

And correct I am! He picked up that when dealing with women and their shit, call an ambulance! I did not want that because it seemed embarrassing. Well, he insisted and nobody was going to tell Grand Poobah no. Plus at the same time I am thinking, “this is great. I get to leave work early.” I was also thinking if this would count as workman’s comp being that I got ill in your building full of horny teenagers that probably have spread more STDs than the Good Lord has spread His holy word (yes, spiritual Jennifer comes out of hiding every once in a while).

Back to the drama. Well, the ambulance was called and I was hauled away to one of Aisulov County’s finest hospitals. I was admitted and they started asking all these questions. Keep in mind that I swore I was dying and would really just have liked to get into the O.R. and have Geroge Clooney remove whatever is calling all this pain, but the first rule of hospital etiquette is “make money at all costs.” Oh, because you thought they were asking me medical questions? Oh no, it was more like “are you covered and how much is your deductible?”

The next thing I know my husband came in. He said that he got a call from my job that I was on my way to the hospital. He was worried and scared and I, even in my still as yet unmedicated state, found that endearing. I remembered our vows, in sickness and in health, and realized that they were true.

Weeks later, we get a bill from the hospital. $600 for the ambulance ride and a $6 charge for each mile to cover the cost of gas.

In sickness and health? Yeah, right! As long as it doesn’t cost dear hubby a deductible!

Dephicit responds:
Because gas costs $6 a gallon, right? Any chance to make a buck!

You forgot to mention that you lived and, I think came back to school the next day. Had to make up that $606 somehow, right? Not to mention the clock was ticking on your sick leave. Because that same administrator (Dr. Giggles) who called the ambulance on you, his next stop was at his secretary’s desk telling her to start her stopwatch. (You think you can lie around on the floor and writhe in pain on the school’s time? )


Poure:
I love my letter carrier. She is actually one of the highlights, if not, my only highlight in Aisulov County. Where is Aisulov County? If “nirvana” is described as, “the perfect state of mind that is free from craving, anger, and other afflicting states,” (thank you dictionary.com) then by all means I do not live in Nirvana. I live in the anti-nirvana.

Anyway, getting back to my letter carrier. Love her dearly but seriously would it hurt to deliver good news once in a while? I mean after we chat and catch up on the neighborhood gossip (which takes all of 3 minutes because my neighbors are far and few in between) she leaves and I then proceed to open and look through my mail. The same usual suspects: insurance bill, electric bill, water bill, credit card bill, you-are-taking-in-too-much-air-when-you-breathe bill. Give me a break! Why can’t it ever be a “we overcharged you on your last bill so here’s a refund” type of statement? No! What I get is (this is a true letter that I got in the mail, paraphrased, of course):

Dear Ms. Poure:

First of all, we would like to say how much we value your business. It is because of you that we are still around.

Unfortunately, upon reviewing your last statement, we noticed that we made a mistake in the amount that is due. Don’t get excited now, the mistake is in our favor. We did not charge the correct amount. We actually undercharged you. Oh, life is funny that way! Anyway this is the difference. Please pay by so and so date so you will not accrue any more outstanding charges.

And once again, thank you for your money business.

Sincerely,
Golden Parachute

Dephicit says:
I love how the bank messes up and suddenly YOU are under the gun to get them the “missing” money in 48 hours. All you did was pay what they tell you. And on time too!!!!!

This reminds me of the time at work when the payroll clerk (oops!) deposited my wages into the wrong person’s account. And then I got reprimanded for acting “stressed” and bumming everyone else out! I’m sorry, was I supposed to be dancing while thinking about the fact that I now have no money to pay my bills? Oops, my bad!

It seems like the people with the money always have the power, even when it’s your money!

P.S. Will the person who received my $556 in their bank account please return it asap. Please have it to me by three days ago or there will be a 35.00 late fee assessed. I realize this is completely not your fault and that you don’t even work for the same company as me, but I am unable to discuss this further. Please call (888) FIND ME1 for a recorded message that will be of no help whatsover.


Poure:

A couple of weeks ago we (the family) went out to eat at a restaurant. We chose this particular restaurant because we had gift cards for it. These days the only way we are going to eat out would be if A) we have a gift card or gift certificate (gift certificates rarely work on take-out orders) or B) my parents are buying. We got our gift cards by donating blood. Donating blood is one of the greatest gifts that one can give that does not cost a thing. Knowing that your one pint of blood could save three lives is so rewarding (and the gift cards are a nice bonus surprise).

Anyway, after eating our meals we were ready for dessert. Our server was gathering our plates when I noticed that offspring A still had some food ( 2 spoonfuls of macaroni and cheese and a couple of french fries) on the plate. This is the conversation that followed:

Me: Could you please bring me a box?

Server: Sure, what for?

Me: For offspring’s A leftovers.

Server: Are you serious?

Me: Yes.

Server: (little more than a slight sarcastic tone) Would you also like ketchup for the 2 fries?

Me: (my most pleasant tone and the nicest smile plastered on my face) Yes. By the way, you just cut your tip in half and we won’t be needing dessert.

Had this been 5 years ago, I would have thrown the leftovers away and not cared. But times are rough – want not, waste not!

Dephicit says:

The other time when you have to get a doggy bag is when the food is simply to good to throw away. I just finished a gourmet-quality lunch at a really nice restaurant. (It was a birthday celebration and, no, I was not paying because, hello? I’m poor too.)

Not only did I have them bag up my leftover pasta, fish, vegetables and potatoes, but I also asked (in that polite way that says, “No, is not an acceptable answer here,”) if they had a little teeny container for the remains of the delicous olive tapenade they served with the bread. I’m sorry but that stuff so good it would have been criminal to leave it behind. And you know I then had to get the bread from the bread basket wrapped as well because I needed something to spread my tapenade on at home! (It’s not like they can serve it again, right?)

As far as your rude server, he should have been MUCH more kind. In this economy you could end up working right along side him (probably pay rise) and then he would have to deal with your wrath on a daily basis!


So, today I get a visit from my lawn care guy. He comes every month to maintain our lawn needs. Things that I cannot take care of myself such as permanently killing weeds and anything else that could destroy my lawn. By the way, I am using a new company because this company is $4 cheaper and supposedly better equipped. All I heard was $4 cheaper and in this economy I now value everything in how much it would cost me in gas. So $4 is almost 2 gallons that I can buy in gas. Yes, I am going with him!

Anyway, nice guy and he tells me that I have some type of killer lawn bugs. I told him that the previous maintenance guy told me the same thing. He told me that the lawn next door has a lot of them and they keep coming over to destroy my lawn. He also said that I should tell my neighbors that they need to fix their lawn and that would help resolve my problem.

No problem, right? Wrong! I told him if he would mind talking to my neighbors and letting them know of this situation. He said I could just state the problem and there is no need to involve him. I said I rather they hear it from a professional and it should take no more than five minutes. He was hesitant but he agreed.

I put on my sandals and we go next door where I introduce him to my very quiet and respectable neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Short Sale. Then we go to the house next door to the Short Sales and I introduce him to Mr. Pre Foreclosure. We then go across the street to meet The Foreclosures. Next door to them lives Mr. Sale By Owner, who by the way is always away on business. We then go over to my quiet as a mice neighbors, who I find in awe how quiet that family is (even though they have 3 young children), The Abandon Home.

I do value my lawn guy’s service so I told him that I would take a couple of flyers and hand them out to my favorite families in the community: The Bank Owned Family and the always hopeful The Sale Pending Family!