When you go on many interviews (not that this is my case), the questions become repetitive. You find yourself giving the same answers but tailor them to fit that company’s need. If only you can be free and answer the questions as if you were on your ‘tenth date’ rather than your ‘first date’. Just imagine how freeing it would be…
Thank you for coming out to meet me on such short notice. Did you find the directions easy?
Sure. It is not as if my schedule is jam-packed with work. And your directions said nothing about tolls.
Good. Let’s begin. Have you heard of us prior to your application?
Absolutely not. You came across on an email from CareerBuilder.com stating that I match your qualifications. And I Googled you on the day that HR called for an interview.
That’s great! Wonderful! Tell me a little about your current job?
Did you not see my resume? I have no current job! My current job is hunting for jobs. As for my most recent job, due to a reduction in funding (i.e. my position), and maintaining what’s best for the company (the head honcho’s salary) one of us had to go. Guess who lost?
I understand. Unfortunately these things happen. Let’s see, aah, yes, if offered this position, what are your greatest strengths?
I can hold my pee for 5-6 hours. I am not ticklish. And I can eat a whole strawberry-banana cake by myself.
Those are definitely great assets. How about weaknesses? What would they be?
Target, Thai Iced Tea, Bravo’s Real Housewives Series. Not exactly in that order.
Nothing wrong with that. We all have our Achilles’ heel. As for salary, what are you looking at?
$10,000 more than management. Give or add a zero because we both know who is going to be doing all of the work.
Exactly! Do you have any questions for me?
Let’s cut to the chase. How close am I to really getting this job? Did you already hire somebody? Are you just interviewing for HR requirements? Is that your real hair?
Really great, honest questions and I hope I gave you a better understanding of what we do here. Any last questions before we conclude?
Yes. I am parked in the garage. Do you validate?
DEBORAH DEPHICIT RESPONDS:
The suspense is killing me. Did you get the job?
This summer (before I got laid off) I was at the pool of the hotel we were vacationing. (That was back when we could afford to “vacation”! Now, we will be all about the “staycation” mixed with the almost always “no-cation”.)
I was doing basic “mom” stuff – dealing with the kids. DH was doing basic “DH” stuff – nothing. I kept busy keeping track of the offspring’s toys, playing with them in the pool, making sure they had sunscreen and didn’t drown. All that stuff. DH, on the other hand was busy lounging. Here’s what happened next:
This lady came and sat two chairs down from DH and told him how well I played with the children and that she had been admiring me for the past few minutes. I was thinking, “Okay why doesn’t she tell me that?” She continued on and on and DH just said thank you and whatever, you know being polite. She asked if he and his family were from around the area and he replied with where are we from. Coincidentenally, she was also from Aisulov! By the way, this woman was still speaking to him as if I completely did not exist. WAIT FOR IT, IT GETS BETTER! HERE COMES HER BIG QUESTION:
“How much do you pay for your nanny?”
I sat straight up at this point. At first, DH was taken aback and he said, “Excuse me?” The woman repeated herself, “How much for your nanny?” At that point DH decided to have fun at my expense and he answered back, “Well, we pay the agency x amount of money a week and she works Monday through Friday. Sometimes we pay extra for weekends. And during vacation we pay an additional 20 percent to include accommodations and travel expenses.” I was like, “EXCUSE ME! DH, what are you doing?” He responded with, “That is Mr. DH to you!” The lady, still not getting it, then offered to try to make a deal with me and steal me away from my “employer.” She offered me more than what the “agency” was “paying” me with better benefits. OMG! I had just entered an episode of Pimp My Nanny. I had had enough. I informed the lady of her ignorance and her blatant stupidity!
When we got back from vacation, a letter from the school board was waiting for me. It said that due to budget cuts my services would no longer be needed.
DH’s immediate reply? “You should have taken the nanny job!”
My thoughts exactly. I’m sure you would have gotten better pay and free food too!